Did you know waffle is slang for vagina? Interesting. I never would have thought of a vagina while eating waffles. It's quite nonsensical as slang terms go; which is fitting because the newest "STD" on the radar is equally nonsensical. Information about "blue waffle disease" has apparently been circulating around the internet since 2010 - but I just caught wind of it this weekend by reading an article from the Women's Health Foundation.
What, might you ask, is "blue waffle disease"? I thought the best definition was on UrbanDictionary.com, but essentially it is a (FAKE) STD which can only be passed from females to males, manifests mainly through blue bruises on the vulva, and is a result of bad vaginal hygiene. It is also worth noting that most people who believe this disease is real are pre-teens or teenagers who are seeking sexual health information from illegitimate internet websites like this one or this one.
When I originally read the article I was concerned about misinformation and the pitfalls of sex education in America. I wasn't overly concerned with the misogynistic or patriarchal implications of this fabricated disease. Misogyny and patriarchy were present (one day everyone will understand vaginas are not dirty) but the ever present "dirty vagina" idea was less a concern for me than the fact that kids across the country actually believe in this STD. That was until I started my own mini-research on blue waffle disease and realized the whole STD is apparently an excuse to put women in their place sexually while simultaneously getting them to emulate what I will call the "vagina of the patriarchy".
The vagina of the patriarchy is white, hairless, perfectly symmetrical, doesn't have any discharge, and exists for the purpose of heterosexual intercourse - but not too much heterosexual intercourse. Oh, and let's not forget about the tones of slut shaming and sexual violence present in the "information" about this disease. Here are some samples (and those typos are not my own):
"The disease is typically observed in prostitutes and whores who indulge in activities of Unsafe sex, who use of sex toys and prostitution are the main cause of disease."
"Blue waffle is a vaginal abnormality caused by severe beatings at the hand of the man-stick, excessive ferocious poundings can results in grotesque flap growth resembling a waffly versatile potato waffle but also taking on a bluey-green colour. Often covered in sweaty fur as a result of the skanky mess who owns the vagina being crap at personal hygene.. mingers."
Because whoever wrote the first quote is likely an ignorant moron let's assume they are talking about street prostitution - not one of the many other types of prostitution (i.e. call girls). See, women who practice street prostitution do not indulge in unsafe sex. Usually, they are forced either economically or physically to engage in prostitution. It is not a choice or a reflection of their character but a method of survival. Oh, and fun fact: female street prostitutes are disproportionately of "lower" socioeconomic statuses. But the men who visit them typically represent every socioeconomic status. Hmmm....street prostitutes wouldn't be "indulging" if there was no one to do it with. Perhaps the problem is not with the supplier but with the demand.
Now on to the second quote, which is slightly more disturbing and problematic because of it's blatant promotion of violence against women. Apparently "severe beatings at the hand of the man-stick" and "excessive ferocious poundings" is code for sex. In reality, if your vagina is getting "beat by a man-stick" it's probably sexual assault. But in this quote, instead of offering the sexual assault survivor aid, they continue on to blame them for being a whore and allowing all those men to give them blue waffle disease. Funny how the men are inflicting the pain and disease here but the woman is getting blamed.
One purpose of these examples is to define female sexuality in negative terms: good women do not have multiple sex partners, they do not use sex toys, and they do not have hair on their vulva. The other purpose is to frighten women into behaving according to these narrow patriarchal standards. The second quote blatantly describes sexual violence and effectively blames women for its repercussions.
So, what I originally thought was just a bad case of some idiot making up a disease and misinforming a bunch of teenagers actually turns out to be a huge hurdle in regards to sexual violence and positive female sexuality. You know what a thirteen year old girl will think if she comes across this "information"? Hint: it's not going to be a complex analysis of patriarchal definitions of sexuality and incidences of sexual violence.
So spread the word - let's defeat "blue waffle disease" in all it's patriarchal glory. -Jen Kaltveit, Hamline University
